Thanksgiving

This picture make me cringe. This picture was taken a few days before my first miscarriage. I hated it when I first saw it because I thought I looked awful. I was throwing up all that morning and had to go to Ayden's Kindergarten Thanksgiving play with a hyper two year old. By the end of that play, the last thing I felt like doing was taking a picture. I'm so glad I did though. I was happy. Despite a busy morning I was so happy. I was pregnant and getting ready for a fun Thanksgiving trip to visit family. 

I feel like my life has been categorized into a world before this picture and a world after. At least in my mind. I wonder if that will ever end? 

Before this picture, I thought my life was stressful. I thought that I had endured pain my in my life. I thought that having a baby was as simple as wanting one. 

Life after this picture is still good. Getting to the point where I can say this, has been hard. But I do believe it. I have a great life, a great family, and a whole lot to be thankful for. But sometimes, I wish I could be the girl in this picture again. I wish I could feel when my burdens were lighter. Then again, someday I'll probably look at a picture of me today and wish the same thing. I'm trying so hard to appreciate and grow from the trials I've had. Bitterness is just too lonely and dark of a place to be. 

This time of year has grown to be hard for me. I still love the idea of Thanksgiving, but the day itself holds sad memories. I remember last year celebrating Thanksgiving and feeling so grateful for Lincoln. Even though he isn't here with me this year, I'm still very thankful for him. My goal this year is to remember all the things that I am blessed with, instead of dwelling on my burdens. My goal this month is to adjust my perspective. 

Lincoln David Cluff

*I wrote this post in the days following Lincoln's passing. I have meant to post it several times in the past couple of months, but could never bring myself to do it. I have been saddened by the media lately and the controversy over abortion. How is there even a controversy? I held in my arms a 22 week old BABY. My baby, my son! I have absolute disgust for anyone who would like to tell me that he wasn't a baby, a human deserving of the basic right to live. I would have given anything to have him simply live...
I am not the best writer, but I wanted to remember this time in my life. Already, it feels like so many of my memories of that time are fading. While I had a hard time putting into word's the depth of the grief I felt (feel), it is nice to have a summary of Lincoln's short life. So today, the day I should be loving on my (no doubt chunky) sweet baby I want remember the time that I was blessed to have with him.*

I'm writing this blog post for many reasons. I feel that I have to write down the events of what happened not only to attempt to make sense of them, but to convince myself that they actually happened. Most importantly, Lincoln was my child. I carried him, threw up mercilessly, bought outfits and diapers, I worried endlessly, I daydreamed what he would be like, I went through the pains of labor, and I gave birth to my baby boy. I have documented all my children's births so far, and want to do the same for Lincoln,

When I found out I was pregnant with Lincoln I was shocked. We weren't planning on becoming pregnant so soon after Zoey, and the thought of having 2 babies so close together initially terrified me! But besides the fear, was an enormous feeling of relief at having it be so easy to get pregnant. My other pregnancies were not easy to conceive and I was so grateful to not have to worry about that trial.  I had 2 miscarriages before Zoey, so the first trimester was especially stressful and scary. I had so many nightmares that I was losing the baby and would wake up crying several nights. I also experienced the same full throttle level of morning sickness that I did with Zoey, that never fully went away. I also seemed to have more migraines this pregnancy than ever before. Lets just say my first trimester was spent exhausted, sick, and extremely worried.

My second trimester was pretty much exactly the same with a little bit of gained energy in the last weeks. I was so excited to enter the second trimester because I was now in the "safe" zone. I anxiously awaited our gender ultrasound, and even moved the date up by one day, because I just couldn't wait! That was when the real worrying began. Zoey was a high risk pregnancy and I saw the same worried look on the ultrasound technicians face when we went in for Lincoln. She asked several times if I was sure my due date was right. I said I was positive, and I knew that there was no way it was wrong. He was measuring 2 weeks behind. She said that it was concerning, but there are a number of reasons he could be smaller. I scheduled an appointment for a month later and we would track his progress. In the meantime, my doctor asked me to get a genetic screening done to rule out any problems. During that appointment, my doctor checked the heartbeat and after 5-10 minutes of nothing, decided that I needed to have an ultrasound to see what was going on. The ultrasound technician was on lunch, so I spent an hour and a half scared out of my mind and thinking that the baby was gone. The tech FINALLY came back and we were able to see the heartbeat. The tech was the one who initially measured me, and assumed that the other place had somehow screwed up the measurements. She wanted to re-measure me to see if I really was 2 weeks behind. I was, and at one point while she was checking things the heart heart rate slowed way down for about 30 seconds. The tech frantically ran out of the room to grab the doctor. When they returned, baby was fine and the heart rate never dipped again so they decided he was okay. It was a nerve wracking day, but I left feeling like everything was okay.

A few day's later I got a call saying that my test results came back with an elevated risk for down syndrome and we would need to do a more specialized test to find out more. The doctor was very solemn when she talked to me, and at this point I had convinced myself that he had down syndrome. The test took a little over 2 weeks to come back and during that time I had cried, stressed, and finally felt comforted that no matter what happened we would love him and be okay. After a LONG two weeks, we finally got a call saying his chances of having Downs was very low. We were SO relieved and it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from our shoulders. I was so happy! Everything was perfect and I spent a few blissful days loving my life and finally enjoying my pregnancy.

2 days later I began to bleed. As soon as I saw blood my heart dropped, blood during a pregnancy for me has only ever ended in losing the baby. It was very light, but it was there. I called my doctor the next morning who assured me that it was most likely nothing and since it was the weekend (Easter weekend nonetheless) and I had an ultrasound scheduled two days later, we would wait and see what was going on then. That night I noticed some tightening in my stomach. I thought that they could be contractions, but I had a lot Braxton Hicks with Zoey so I wasn't concerned. Before I fell asleep I noticed that the bleeding had gotten a little worse and I was starting to feel more anxious. I woke up around 2 o'clock in the morning to painful contractions. I woke Brian up and said we needed to go to the hospital, something felt very wrong. I took a shower while he transferred all the kids to the car. I realized there was a LOT more blood. I now realize how naive I was, even with everything that was happening and the contractions becoming unbearable I still never imagined that I would loose him. I figured IF I was in labor they would surely be able to stop it. Brian dropped me off at labor and delivery with the plan that I would call him and let him know what was going on before he took the kids home. I really believed that this would just be an annoying day spent in the hospital before I could go home.

I was immediately taken back and changed into a hospital gown. The nurse examined me and then said the words that made my whole world stop. "He's coming, I can see him. Do you understand that at this age there isn't anything that we can do for him. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I told her I understood, as I lay there wanting nothing more than to die. I called Brian and told him he needed to take the kids to my parent's and that there wasn't much time left. I was then rushed over to the labor and delivery room. My nurse in there was so kind, I will never forget her for making that horrible day somewhat bearable. She suggested that I get an epidural, that there was no reason to be in physical pain when it wasn't necessary. The contractions at that point were extreme and I was happy to get some kind of relief. The nurse got ready to start an I.V., but was having a hard time getting it into my vein. while she was trying, my contractions were to the point that I knew it would happen soon. The point where you think another will surely kill you. Lincoln came out after one push. The nurse hadn't even realized that it happened. I told her that I delivered him, while she finished the I.V. She looked under the blanket and left to go get help. My baby just lay there, untouched. No swarms of nurses and doctors rushing around to attend to the newborn, just silence. Another nurse came in and moved the baby to his incubator. He was gone. He was stillborn and I feel strongly that he had passed away quite a while before he'd been delivered. I called Brian and had to tell him that he'd missed it. I feel very sad for both of us, that it happened so quickly and he wasn't able to make it by only a short time. I had Lincoln about 45 minutes after getting to the hospital. If there was one thing that I was grateful for that day, it's that I didn't deliver him at home.

The doctor inspected his little body and couldn't find any obvious causes of death. She said that his smaller size and slowed heartbeat suggested that he had some sort of developmental problem, possibly even down syndrome. I'll never know what killed my baby and that has been one of the harder things to accept. After the doctor and nurses left, Brian and I were able to hold and be with our baby. Only a few minutes after being left alone, we heard the woman next door have her baby. The room erupted in cheers and the baby cried. Then, as if it weren't painful enough, the entire room sang happy birthday to that baby. While we sat there having the worst day of our lives, somebody else was having the happiest of theirs. What an unbelievably cruel situation to be put in.

I feel like we were just in complete shock. I COULD NOT believe that this had really happened. There are a lot of things about that day I wish I had done differently, but I think we did the best we could under the circumstances. We were forced to make a lot of quick decisions that we were not prepared for. We spent a few more hours with Lincoln, but had to make the decision whether we wanted to leave straight from labor and delivery, or be moved into recovery. I couldn't stand to be around anyone, and decided that I wanted to recover at home. When it came time to leave I had to hand my precious baby to the nurse. Handing Lincoln to the nurse, knowing that I will never see my baby again in this life was unbearable.

We went home to take a nap before picking up the kids. I think we felt more zombie than human at this point. Waking up from that nap was awful, to wake up and not have it all be a horrible nightmare was probably one of the saddest moment of this whole experience. I have really been struggling with mornings, it takes a while to grasp my new reality and it's heartbreaking every time. After our nap all I could think about was hugging my babies. Heaven help the mother who has to go through this and has no baby to hug. We picked up the kids and had to tell them what happened. Ayden was the hardest to tell, he was so looking forward to having a brother. The hospital gave us a memory box with a sweet knitted blanket that Lincoln was wrapped in and some cards with his tiny footprints. I'm so grateful for this, and the people who put them together. It has given the kids something to touch and hold since they were never able to see their brother. It also gave us something tangible to walk out of the hospital with. Handing over the baby and leaving him there was heart breaking, but I felt like I had SOMETHING. Some small piece of him, and that was a great comfort. Someday, I would love to know how to get involved in creating things like that for other families.

The next few days were spent doing things no parent's should ever have to do. We had to pick a funeral home and make arrangements for his body. We agonized over whether we should bury or cremate his body. Cremation is very foreign to me and I wasn't sure that I could handle actually going through with it. In the end, it's what we decided and I feel at peace now with that decision. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving him somewhere, especially somewhere that we may or may not live. It feels comforting to know that he is with us for now. We also had to fill out his death certificate. I still can't get over the fact that I have a child with a death certificate. It is so wrong.

Life after Lincoln's passing has been tough. I still can't get over the fact that it's done, too late, and there is nothing I can do. It's so final. There are so many physical and emotional experiences you go through after having a baby that are agony if you have no baby to hold. My body had to recover from the labor. My milk came in with no baby to feed. My belly turned into a jiggly mess and my confidence is gone. My emotions are all over the place, I go from serenity to anguish throughout the day. I have clothing, diapers, and a crib that make my heart hurt every time I look at them, but can't imagine getting rid of. I feel extreme guilt that maybe it was something I did. I feel like life right now is a series of unanswerable questions. How do I go on after something like this? How can I possibly ever be pregnant again, when there is no longer a "safe zone"? What have I done to deserve this? Why is my body failing at the one thing it is meant to do? While I can't answer these, I pray for comfort and that with time I can find peace.

I don't know what our future holds. I believe we will try again, I don't feel like our family is complete. There is someone missing. Maybe that someone was Lincoln, and this was meant to be. I don't know. How could this be meant to be? I have been pregnant 6 times, and only half of those babies have survived. I feel like a failure of a mother, to not be able to keep these babies safe. It makes me furious. I HATE that this is my life. I know that for me, one of the hardest things to get past will be the enormous amount of anger that I feel. It consumes me when I let it. But I have children on this Earth who need me, and that helps me to want to go on. It would be an unbearable journey to go through without my 3 little baby's. And after the losses I have had, I am utterly aware of how amazing and precious life is. How lucky I am to have been able to bring any children to this Earth! I think any mother can agree what an amazing thing it is to give life. There is nothing in this world that comes close to the sanctity of it.

Zoey's Birth Story

I wanted to record Zoey's birth story before I forget all the details (too late) and because I just LOVE going back and reading/ remembering about this special time. Labor and that time spent in the hospital is, I think, one of the most sacred times I will ever experience. I love everything about it and it makes a little teary eyed just thinking about it, although that is probably mostly attributed to hormones and sleep deprivation. So for the record, this is how Zoey Geneal Cluff made her grand entrance into the world.

My pregnancy sucked. It just did. I was incredibly grateful to be pregnant, but it was not without it's challenges. I had been through 2 miscarriages in under a year and felt exhausted in every way possible. I wasn't sure I would even be able to have any more kids and after 2 heartbreaks in a row I was unsure how many more times I could endure trying. Each pregnancy I was at 8 weeks and so for about 3-4 weeks I was knowingly pregnant, excited, nervous, but most of all SICK. This pregnancy was no exception and unlike my other pregnancies I was sick the entire time. I ended up being on Zofran, which was literally a lifesaver, up until the very end. After 2 miscarriages in a row and all the time hurting and trying in between pregnancies, I was exhausted. When I found out I was pregnant with Zoey I was angry that instead of being excited and happy, I felt anxious and afraid. I'm not sure how I made it past the first 12 weeks or so because I was so sure something would happen and I would loose this baby too.

We went to our 20 week appt. to find out the sex. We were SO excited that I was still pregnant and it looked like this was a healthy pregnancy. The ultrasound was long and I could tell that something was not right. She left and said she was going to get a doctor to come talk to us. Talk about being scared out of my mind! The doctor came in and told us that she had a two vein umbilical cord (as opposed to the normal 3 vein) and that she had velamentous cord insertion (the umbilical cord is attached off to the side of where it normally is). They really didn't give us much information, but urged us to get a screening since it can be linked to things like down syndrome. I felt pretty crushed again, thinking the worst. Since they didn't give us very much information and I wasn't going to see the doctor for a week I did the worst thing I could have done, I googled! I heard terrible and numerous stories about babies being stillborn and other horror stories that officially freaked me out the rest of my pregnancy.

The diagnoses resulted in monthly ultrasounds, then bi-weekly stress tests and ultrasound from 30 weeks on. The appointments were really exhausting, with 2 kids that I had to schedule them around. None of them were under an hour long and some lasted up to 3 hours! By the last couple of weeks I was so done with being sick and pregnant and hauling my gigantic belly to all these appointments. Then there was the false labor. Those were especially cruel, I feel terrible for anyone who has ever been through that. To give such hope to a scared, large woman at her wits end is awful! It happened twice before I actually went into labor for real. Both times my contractions were consistent and close at about 3 minutes apart for 6+ hours!

 The second time I actually went to the hospital, waking the kids up and dropping them off at Grandma's because I was SO sure it was time. When we got there they checked me and I was only 1 stinking centimeter. The nurse made Brian and I walk the hallways of the hospital for an hour and a half, in the middle of the night! When we finally dragged ourselves back to the room, I was seriously starting to wonder if I would even have the strength to deliver a baby that day. The nurse checked me and even though my contractions were getting more intense and still consistent, I was still at freaking 1 centimeter! We got sent home, and I spent the next 2 days in tears! Part of the cord problem was that it could be dangerous if my water broke and ruptured her exposed, weak cord. The nurse said that if my water broke I needed to RUSH to the hospital right away. I was terrified of this happening and was kind of angry that they would send me away with a complication like that. As soon as we got home Brian and I passed out and when I woke up the darn contractions had stopped. The next day I had a doctor appt. and my doctor said that she would induce me the next day! The only problem was that I would have to go in at midnight because the hospital wouldn't allow inductions earlier than 39 weeks. I didn't care at all, I was so happy! I finally had a plan and didn't have to worry any more about when it would happen and if it really was happening.

We planned on Brian staying up until morning and sleeping throughout the day, while I would take care of the kids and take a nap that night. Of course, since we had a well thought out plan things didn't go that way. The night before the induction I was starting to feel a lot of pressure and some contractions. I didn't think much of them, because at that point I had a TON of contractions. All that night I had contractions and by 5 am I was getting to the point where I realized I needed to go to the hospital. After packing up (again) I called my mom, who by complete luck was working out at the gym 2 minutes from our house. She rushed over and picked the kids up, and by about 7:30-8 we headed to the hospital. The contractions were getting much worse, to the point where I couldn't talk or move. We got to the hospital and when she checked me I was 3-4 centimeters. Around 9 we got moved to the labor and delivery room where I was able to get an IV. The last hour was pretty intense and FAST. I was in the labor and delivery room for only about an hour before she was born! I got an epidural about 15-20 minutes before she was born (thank goodness for my moms quick arrival or I may not have gotten one at all).

The hour in labor and delivery was pretty crazy! Our nurse, in my opinion, was a little on the cold, bossy side. She was a little older and it kind of felt like she was trying to be the doctor. At one point she even kind of bickered with my doctor, it was weird and I'm glad I didn't spend too much time with her! Anyways, I got my IV and went through some extremely painful contractions before I got my epidural! For some reason it didn't work immediately like it did with Charlie and it took a few contractions before I started to feel it work. My doctor arrived about a minute later and I was 9 centimeters. She broke my water and I immediately threw up. Like projectile throw up, all over the mean nurse and myself. It was so embarrassing! The nurse left to change and I had throw up all over my body, in my hair, EVERYWHERE! Anyways... about a minute after that Zoey came out in a couple of pushes. Everything happened SO fast, it was insane! She was born at 10:27, about 2 hours after we arrived in the hospital. She weighed 7lbs. 15 oz. and had the fattest, roundest, most adorable little face (and chins) ever! While they weighed and cleaned her I ended up throwing up AGAIN, all over me and the same nurse! I've never done that with my other kids and was mortified! They gave me Zoey to hold while delivering the placenta. I was lying there holding her and all of the sudden felt really tired and light headed. I closed my eyes and when I woke up there were about 10 people in the room and Zoey was gone. Apparently I had a seizure type thing where my eyes rolled back and I started shaking. It was pretty scary, but I was completely fine afterwards. I still don't really understand what the heck happened! One cool thing was they left us alone in the labor and delivery room for quite a while for Zoey and I to have skin to skin time. It was SO coo to get that quiet bonding time with my new baby. I got to have about an hour and a half cuddle time with Zoey while Brian slept, poor guy was exhausted from staying up all night.

Then they moved us to our room, where it was non stop busy until that night. Visitors came by all day and the nurses came in and out constantly. They even came by a few hours after I had her to take pictures (then tried to sell them to us), which I was a little annoyed about. I didn't sleep at all that night and the next morning I was completely wiped out. They had 2 college student nurses (a male and female) who they asked if they would be able to take my blood pressure and do the baby's check. I agreed, because I thought it would be a quick thing and frankly I felt like I had no choice since they asked me in front of the students. Anyways, they ended up coming and going for the next 3 hours and did the WHOLE exam, they even watched me breastfeed. I was so super uncomfortable and was on the verge of tears the entire time. You would think that I wouldn't feel so modest after just having a baby. But I was exhausted and the whole thing was just so awkward and weird and LONG! Plus, I felt like they should have asked me privately and explained exactly what they would be doing. If I would have known that 3 different people would all be squeezing my stomach, checking my pad, watching me breastfeed, listening to my bowels, and looking at my naked back/ butt at my epidural site, and that it would take 3 hours I'd have said heck no!

But now I am home, and in baby heaven! I love her so much and can barely stand to put her down. I'm SO glad I'm not pregnant anymore and all my pregnancy pains and aches are totally gone. It's a little bit strange at this point to have gone 3 weeks without needing a Zofran! She is a little stinker so far and does NOT like to be put down, not even for a second. It's hard to care though because I am more than happy to hold her as long as she'll let me! There is nothing like the feeling of a little one that needs me and only me.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

(Click on picture to view larger)

So since I am WAY to unorganized to actually get this sent out to people in a timely manner, I'm posting it here on my blog instead! That's not cheating right?! 2013 has been a crazy year, from a lot of lows (including, but not limited to, the crash of our beloved little civic) to the best high of all; a healthy pregnancy. We are so grateful for everything that we have been through, and the love our Heavenly Father has shown our family. What more can you ask for when you have that? Hope that everyone else had a great year, and we wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

Love,
The Cluff's

Keep on Swimming

It's been a while since I have written, so here is an update on what we have been up to.

Ayden: Started his first day of 1st grade this week! It was so strange dropping him off and not picking him up 2 hours later. I had bad feeling the whole time that I missed the memo and it was only a half day or something. But all was well, and he was all smiles when we picked him up. His favorite part of the day is eating in the cafeteria and recess, obviously :)

Charlie: Misses her brother to death and cries every time we drop him off. But it has been so fun actually getting to spend time one on one with her. Ayden's kindergarten schedule was so hectic, it is nice to just be at home together and relax a little! She is such a little spitfire and has the funniest things to say. Her current method of embarrassing me is by yelling at the grocery store, asking who people are. She points at someone nearby, yells "who is that" and "are they your friend", and continues until I give her some sort of answer. It is pretty embarrassing when you are trapped in a line and she does this over and over again! But she is my sweet little girl and has her mommy and daddy wrapped around her finger.

Brian: Is applying for Pharmacy Schools! It will be months before we find anything out, but yay! Right now he is still taking classes, which takes up most of his time. Free time is usually spent working on the house.

Marie: Is STILL not pregnant. I thought I would get that out there since I seem to be on pregnancy watch. It has been a pretty difficult year for me and sometimes it feels like I have to take things day by day. I never would have thought that pregnancy loss and infertility would be something I'd have to deal with. It is hard to have the building of our family be such a stressful and painful experience, but I know that the outcome is worth it. I do feel a little better now that my first due date has passed. I had feared and worried about that day, and now that it is over it feels like I am better able to move on. My second due date isn't until October, so I guess that is my next hurdle. Other than baby blues, life is still pretty good. I am loving my family, working on the house, and going to visit friends and family.

Heart Broken

I have put off writing about this partly because I haven't had the strength and partly because words cannot express how I feel. Last week I had another miscarriage, I was about 8 weeks again.

My first was on Thanksgiving last year. The pregnancy was a total surprise and we found out on Halloween! After the initial shock, we were SO excited. We tried to get pregnant with Charlie for almost a year and I was so glad I wouldn't have to go through that again. Three weeks later, I started cramping. I thought it was just normal pregnancy pains until I began bleeding. I immediately panicked and was told to rush to the emergency room. The did an ultrasound but weren't able to find a heartbeat. They diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and said there was about a 50/50 chance that the baby would survive. After a few incredibly stressful and LONG days, I ended up back in the ER where they confirmed that the baby was gone. I left the hospital completely devastated. There is no way to describe the pain that I felt, you really can only appreciate how much it hurts if you have been through it. It is amazing the amount of love, hopes, and dreams that you have for your child the minute you see those two lines. The weeks after were the hardest I have ever experienced. Every part of me was exhausted, and some days all I wanted to do was to stay in bed. I felt so many emotions; guilt, pain (physically and emotionally), anger, resentment, and sadness. But as painful as it was, I knew I wanted to try again. I had a lot of hope that things would be okay and this was just a painful bump in the road to completing our family.

It only took 3 months before I was able to see those 2 pink lines again. I was thrilled, but terrified at the same time. Every time I went to the bathroom or felt any kind of pain was terrifying. I had nightmares that I was miscarrying and would wake up running to the bathroom to make sure everything was okay. I no longer was naive enough to think that a positive test meant a healthy baby, but a part of me wanted to believe that I wouldn't have another one. I had a miscarriage and that was my rough patch on the way to having a healthy baby. When I saw the blood this time, I knew. I didn't want or need to go to the hospital because I knew it was happening again, but because of a series of complicated events I ended up having to go. I HATE the ER! Because I was under 20 weeks, I wasn't allowed in the maternity ward and had to wait it out in the ER. While I know that there is nothing they can really do for a miscarriage, having to bleed and cramp in a waiting room for 8 hours is agony. I have learned that they place miscarriages right up there with nose bleeds and the flu in importance at the ER. Leaving the hospital for the second time with no baby was the lowest I have ever felt. It took a good 10-20 minutes of sobbing in the car before I could compose myself enough to drive home.

The second time around has been really painful. I feel a lot of anger and hopelessness this time. I don't know how or when I will have the courage to try again, but the thought really scares me. I wanted to write this out because going through this felt so lonely. It felt like no one understood the pain I was going through and I had no one to talk to. Miscarriage seems to be such a taboo subject that so many women have to go through alone. Talking about it is painful and I understand why most women don't want to talk about it. I just hope that if someone else has to go through this they know that they are not alone.

Ayden

Ayden. He is my sweet heart. He was my easy baby, energetic toddler, and now my super sweet boy. There is something so special about him, I have always seen it. He is super sensitive to people's feelings, and can pick up on moods easily. He can tell when we are sad, or not feeling well and does his best to comfort everyone. When I was pregnant with Charlie and super sick, he would sneak into the bathroom and rub my back. If daddy is picking on me, Ayden sticks up for me and says "hey, be nice to my Mommy (or Daddy, depending on who is being a bully at the time)!" While I was sick this week and couldn't get out of bed he came in my room, rubbed my shoulder, and said "Mom, now I don't want you to get up but Charlie has been hitting me. I just thought you should know". I just can't think of a better word to describe Ayden other than sweet.

While he is a sweetheart, he is still a 5 year old and can act like it. Charlie and Ayden seem to be each others best friend and arch nemesis simultaneously. They fight like crazy! Charlie is sassy and bossy, while Ayden is laid back but protective of his things. Charlie knows this, and instigates most of the fights by swiping one of Ayden's prized toys. She knows what will happen and loves the attention she gets from it. Sometimes it is funny to sit back and watch her little plan play out, however for the most part it is just exhausting playing referee all day. They do occasionally play together, and those moments are gold. I love seeing them play together! They are so sweet and it is getting fun to watch as Charlie gets older and is able to actually play with him. I will never forget the first day I saw Ayden play with Charlie. I know it seems a strange thing to remember, but Ayden wanted NOTHING to do with Charlie for so long. He wouldn't go near her for months. Then one day I came in and Ayden was waving Buzz and Woody around Charlie's face and mumbling the characters voices as he played. He had Woody's little hat on Charlie's head, and I about died laughing. It was so cute, and I so looked forward to the day when they would become friends. Although they fight (a lot) I can see the love and protectiveness that he feels for his sister.

Ayden is doing so well in school. It is amazing how much he is learning in just a few hours of school every day. Although the drive is long, and worst of all cuts into (and has pretty much diminished) Charlie's nap time, it is completely worth it. He LOVES going to school. I feel so good about the decision to switch schools. I can tell he is getting a much better education, in a much better environment than where he was at. It has made me realize that I need to trust my instincts more, even if it may not totally make sense or be the easiest way. His teacher, Ms. Montes, is such a sweet, positive lady and has made Ayden feel so special in her class. The teachers there are amazing, and go above and beyond to put on cute shows and work on fun projects with the kids. He is starting to read now, and it is an amazing thing to watch. My mom got him an on-line reading program that teaches kids to read, and it has been a huge help. He loves it, and has been learning words so fast!

Ayden is getting SO tall. I just bought him a batch of pants the next size up a few months ago, and they are already too short for him. When we went to Disneyland at the end of September he was 42", because he was just tall enough to ride some new rides. Brian and I measured him the other day and he is 44.5"! He grew two and a half inches in just a few months! I am having a really hard time finding pants that are long enough and fit him in the waist. He is growing WAY too fast!

Well, that's my update on Ayden. He is happy, funny, sweet, smart, emotional, adventurous, and growing like a weed! I love that boy so much!

Charlie

Wow! It has been a LONG time since I have updated. I hope to get several posts done in the next few weeks. I so wish I were better at writing here, since it is such a fun way to document our family life!

I'd like to start with a story, I want to record this story to use as blackmail, stories to tell her future boyfriends, and to laugh at when I am older. Today was the first time, in longer than I care to admit, that I have been to the gym. They have a daycare there that I take the kids cause lets face it, I would never go otherwise (up to 2 hours of freedom is an excellent incentive to workout). I go to pick them up and tell Charlie to get her shoes. As she walks away I see it, poop smeared all up her back. My stomach drops and I follow her in to survey the damage. It was bad. She had apparently been bored because she decided to smear it EVERYWHERE! It was awful, I started grabbing wipes and cleaning up as much and as fast as I could, while telling the employees what had happened so they could grab some cleaner. Let me tell you, they looked thrilled. It was awful, and what makes this story REALLY sad is that this isn't her first offense at this place. I'm pretty sure they have her picture up somewhere warning employees when we come. I'm sure someday I will read this and laugh. Today is not that day.

Charlie.... oh what can I say about Charlie!? She is such a crazy little beast. Always getting into stuff and causing trouble. Girlfriend can't be left a lone for a MINUTE! It's probably hard to believe, since the only facial expression she gives anyone outside of the house is a scowl, but she is the funniest kid. Ayden didn't talk for so long, and it takes me off guard to hear some of the things she say's (she is just so tiny). Her most popular sayings are:

• I'm scared!
• I'm so pretty!
• No! or NUH UH!
• fine... I'm leaving! As she walks away with her arms crossed
• stop it Ayden!

There are so many more, but those especially come to mind. She is talking so much and so well, and has this adorable sweet, soft little voice. She loves princesses, dancing, singing, babies, coloring, doing her hair, dressing up, and putting on mommies lipstick. She is crazy stubborn, and we totally cave to her even though we know it's bad! She knows how to wrap anyone around finger, and is just too cute to resist. Plus, if you say no she gives you the stink eye and puts her hands on her hips. It's just too funny, so you end up giving in. Heaven help us when she is a teenager! She is my sweet little pipsqueak and I love this little girl to pieces. Nothing on the planet is better than little Charlie hugs, kisses, and snuggles.

Back to School

My little boy is growing up. Is it wrong that he just started full day kindergarten, but I still see him as the little bowlegged toddler who's mini backpack was too big for him? After a pretty rough first week Ayden finally seems to be getting used to his new schedule. The first few days of school Ayden came home exhausted, sad, and completely overwhelmed. Two day's in a row he sobbed on the way home, saying that no one wanted to play with him and that no one wanted to be his friend. It was pretty heartbreaking, and I was ready to pull him out of school right then! As time has passed he's had better days. It's still been tough for him to get used to the schedule and extra discipline in kindergarten, but I think he is doing much better. As for Charlie and I, we are loving our time alone together. It is so strange to just have one kid for a big chunk of the day. I cannot believe how easy taking care of one kid is! It was getting super frustrating the last part of summer with the constant fighting, and things seem to be much more peaceful around here. It's also been fun to be able to hang out one on one with Charlie, something I haven't really ever been able to do. I love both of these kids so much and am loving my life right now. Things are going really, really good!

Talk Freak!

I was asked to give a talk at church for this morning. The last time I gave a talk in church was in the single's ward. It was crazy this time. Since having kids I have become a hormonal freak! I had the hardest time getting through this talk without crying, I sounded like a quivering crazy person! Anyways I am so glad that it's over but for journaling purposes I wanted to keep a copy of my talk.
I am SO glad that I get to be a mommy to these two kids, they are the greatest! I'd like to wish all the mother's and mother's at heart a happy Mother's Day! 

My talk today is based off of Sister Cheryl Esplin’s talk in the current Ensign, “Teaching Our Children to Understand”. I think that the call we have to teach children is focused more towards parents with their own children, but is just as important a call for everyone. Whether our children are grown, or it’s our nieces and nephews, or even the children in our ward family all of us are given a specific call to teach children. It is brought up several times throughout the scriptures and in Doctrine and Covenants ch. 68 vs. 28 Joseph Smith received the  revelation, “and they shall also teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the lord.”
Sister Esplin explains, “This divine privilege of raising our children is a much greater responsibility than we can do alone, without the Lord’s help. He know exactly what our children need to know, what they need to do, and what they need to be to come back into His presence. He gives mothers and fathers specific instruction and guidelines through the scriptures, His prophets, and the Holy Ghost.” I think that prophets and even Christ himself saw the great importance of children. They could see how important teaching children about Heavenly Father, our beliefs, and how to live righteously is. Christ even made it a point during his life to set an example and teach how important children are. In Matthew ch. 19 vs. 13-15 he say’s, “then there were brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray; and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for such is the kingdom of heaven. And he laid his hands on them, and departed thence.”
So now that we know how important it is to teach them and that we are commanded to do so, I wanna talk about ways that we can teach our children. Sister Esplin advises that “sometimes the most powerful ways to teach our children to understand a doctrine is to teach in the context of what they are experiencing right at that moment. These moments are spontaneous and unplanned and happen in the normal flow of family life. They come and go quickly, so we need to be alert and recognize a teaching moment.” For example I know something that is a regular occurrence at our house is a problem with sharing and taking a toy that the other one is playing with. While dealing with this problem we can also use it as a teaching opportunity; of showing love for one another, or being happy with the toys that WE have and not coveting someone else things, by not taking things that aren’t yours. Even though these are very basic and watered down versions of commandments, by teaching your children in a way that they understand and in context to their lives they will be more able and prepared to live by them as they grow.

Since it’s Mothers Day I would like to steer the rest of the talk to Mothers. I remember the day and time leading up to when our first child was born. I remember planning on how I wanted the nursery to look, how adorable he would be, and the hardest decision I could think of was which cute outfit I would bring to the hospital for him to wear. Sometimes I miss how blissfully unaware we were back then. The day we had our children will always be the most special and spiritual time of our lives. The veil was so thin that day and we were completely aware of what a miracle it was that WE were placed in charge of this tiny baby. Later came the terrifying realization that WE were actually supposed to be an example and teach this child! I felt (and still feel) sometimes totally inadequate for the job. We have such good intentions and too often (at least I know for me) life gets in the way. Distractions like TV and the Internet, trying to keep up with your house and the constant mess your children make, going out, and work. I had always felt like I was barely keeping my head above water until I heard a story. My friend had talked about a family on her blog that she knew who’s infant daughter was waiting for a transplant. Ani Taylor wrote a post called “Perspective” on her blog only a week before her precious daughter passed away.
“The old me thought I was tired and stressed out. The old me was unsatisfied with my clothes, my weight, and my ugly carpet. The old me dreaded hearing the babies cry over the monitor, too early in the morning. The old me was bored watching cartoons, and folding laundry. The old me hated making breakfast, and pouring endless sippy’s full of milk everyday. The old me dreaded running errands with two kids to get in and out of car seats and into shopping carts. The old me did not think it was a big deal to spend a Saturday at the beach, or paddle boating around the lake. The old me was tired and a grump from walking up the hill to our house from the lake. The old me couldn’t wait until nap time, when I could have some time for myself. The old me hated doing dishes, and checking the mail. The old me rushed bedtime and skipped pages in bedtime stories. The old me sang lullaby’s quickly, and was reluctant to sing “just one more”
What was the old me thinking?!
My heart is literally aching right now to have my old life back, but with my new perspective. What would I give to have my whole family home on a rainy Sunday morning, making breakfast, and delivering chocolate milk on a fancy platter to my little Kate. I want to forget about the dirty dishes, and get down on the floor and play. I would be thankful for that cheap carpet, because it beats none at all. I dream of the day I get to wake up in bed and hear BOTH girls waking me up early in the morning. I will make them whatever they want for breakfast, and turn the music up load and dance while I make their pancakes(because I know that is what Kate would want). I will get them dressed and spend time gently combing and doing their hair, and breathing them in. I won’t rush them. What is the rush about anyways? I’ll load them in their car seats, and give kisses while I buckle them in. I’ll be happily listening to Disney songs as we drive to Target, or McDonalds, or the park. I’ll chase them, and tickle them, and push them on the swings. We will spend our evenings playing outside, and cooking dinner together in the kitchen. Bath time will be long and drawn out, just like it should be. Bedtime will have lots of cuddling, and a few bedtime stories read slowly while doing the appropriate voices for Papa bear, Mama bear, Baby bear and Goldilocks. Matt and I will fall into bed exhausted together, and thank Heavenly for this new perspective on life and what is truly important and ask that we might always be able to remember.
My entire perspective on my role as a Mother changed when I read this. Instead of seeing myself on the sidelines just watching and caring over them I realized that I need to throw myself into them and their little worlds. It is something that I struggle with and am constantly trying to work on. I have realized that the best way to teach my children is by immersing my self in their lives. Because that is when the little moments to teach them and be an example to them happen. By playing with them and being conscious in their lives I can teach them in a way that they will remember and comprehend.

I would like to take this opportunity to bear my testimony. I’m not brave enough to do it very often but I want everyone to know that I have a strong testimony of this church. I am so thankful for the blessings that I have in my life. I’m thankful for my husband and my sweet children. I’m thankful for the responsibility that I have to teach my kids and for the opportunity to continually grow and learn and become better at it. I’m thankful for my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. I’m so thankful for the sacrifice that he made so that we could be reunited as a family some day. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Ayden and Charlie

We were going to the store today and I figured since their hair was combed and they were dressed (these day's anything more than pajama's is photo shoot worthy!) I should probably get some quick pictures of them. They are changing and growing up so fast I think I need to do updates on these guy's more often.

Ayden

• catch phrases are; "I'm busy", Yes Sir!", "Oh boy", "What the!", "Mom! Charlie did.....!"
•  LOVES legos. Is constantly making lego creations.
• Wants to do everything and go everywhere with us. Never wants to be left out of the action.
• Is a total sweetheart. Is is so sweet with his sister and taking care of her. He NEVER turns down hugs, kisses (except for daddy because "he has prickly thorns" on his face), and cuddles.
• Let me preface this by saying I am NOT pregnant :) He has been saying that he wants a new little baby (either a brother or a sister will suffice) for while now. Don't know where that came from but I guess we better get going on that one!
• Has been asking more questions about.... um...."life" lately. I have tried my best to explain and talk to him about a few different issues that have come up. After a few awkward conversations and confused, furrowed eyebrows from Ayden, I think I did okay!

Charlotte

•  Is FULL OF ENERGY! This girl just go, go , go's ALL day!
• Won't keep anything in her hair (the hair clip above was removed seconds after these pictures were taken) so her hair often resembles a rats nest.
• Loves getting her toenails painted and often comes up to me with a bottle of nail polish.
• Has an awesome 3 step greeting routine; hug, kiss, headbutt.
• Stayed all by herself for the first time in nursery, hurray!
• Can identify several part's of her body, including her butt :)
• LOVES baby dolls and stuffed animals. Loves to give them big hugs and carry them around everywhere. We went to the fair this week and went to the petting zoo. Charlie went up to every goat and animal in there and gave them big hugs.

Old Tucson Studios

I am SO exhausted! But the kids are in bed, it's quiet and it's most likely now or never for blogging. Brian is out of town this weekend on a camping trip so as soon as he left we decided to par-tay! Okay... kidding. But we did decide to go have a little fun of our own and invited ourselves on my mom and brother's trip to Old Tucson Studios. I went there a LONG time ago with my family and had a lot of fun. We had SO much fun but I think I can speak for everyone when I say that Ayden had the MOST fun! He loved the whole place. The cowboys, the cheesy rides, the shows, exploring the town. This place was made for little boy's! It was a really great day, most times we go out or go on trips like this I feel so out of it. Like I'm not in the moment. I get so stressed and usually the day ends with a migraine. I have been working really hard at being more easy going and just enjoying all the activities we do. I think today was the first time I felt like I really had as much fun as the kids did. The weather was beautiful, my mom and brother were so helpful with the kids, my jogging stroller made walking around a breeze and (most importantly) BOTH kids were in great moods. Anyways, here are a ton of pics from our trip. 

Charlie looked super stylin in her new sunglasses!

we rode the train

Charlie took a few five minute cat naps throughout the day. Even with out a solid nap she was in a great mood the whole time.

 Ayden by the stage coach. 

Ayden and Charlie petting the donkey. About a minute after this photo my mom rescued Charlie from a near donkey poop grabbing incident! Yikes!

Ayden and Devin

 Charlie and Mommy on the carousel. 

Ayden loved all the guns!

 Towards the end of the day Charlie got so tired she could hardly keep her eyes open. The little stinker never gave up though! 

 We got to ride in a stage coach. Not my favorite mode of transportation! I can't believe that's how people traveled back then!

This is a replica of how a classroom would have looked. Crazy! 

 Scenery pics

Disneyland

So before I put off blogging about yet another trip, I'm gonna get this all out there now! We went to Disneyland in October with the Schmutz family and we decided to get annual passes. So as not to put them to waste I began planning our next trip soon after. I LOVE Disneyland, it is by far my favorite place to go and I wish SO BAD we didn't live so far away! We went there a lot when I was younger and living in California and it has always been a special place to me. We had been planning this trip for a couple of months and it was so fun to get excited about it with Ayden. We made a paper chain and counted down the day's till we got to go! This seemed to be the first trip that Ayden knew and remembered what Disneyland was, so the anticipation was pretty high. Brian's mom also went with us and it was so fun having her there! 

Here are some pictures from the trip (you can click on the pictures to make them bigger):

One of the main things I wanted to do this trip was ride on the Lilly Belle. It is a special car on the end of one of the trains made especially for Lillian Disney. The inside is BEAUTIFUL, with antique furniture and Victorian style decor. One of my favorite moments of the trip (minus Aydens meltdown on board)!

Some extra's:

Cluff Stuff

I would like to be able to say that the last month has been super crazy and that's why I didn't have time to blog. But truth is... I'm lazy! So here is a very condensed version of what's happened in the last month.

Brian: Is starting classes this month and taking a full load. There are a couple more classes that he needs to get into pharmacy school. He will also be taking his PCAT this semester and applying to Pharmacy school's around summer time! Yay! He is still working at Volvo doing their on-line inventory. They are really good to him there and let him have a super flexible schedule. Yay for Volvo!

Marie: Is not doing much :) We did just get my Parents piano and I have been having a lot of fun playing/ butchering songs. It's been about 6 years since I played so it's a work in progress getting back to where I was! We are still working on the house and I'm working up the courage to start texturing a new room. The plan is to do Ayden's room next and hopefully that will be soon!

Ayden: Is my little helper. He has been really great about helping me around the house and likes to help take care of Charlie. He still makes us laugh with some of the funny things he says and is such a character. He can be a real sweat heart. I have always felt since he was really young that he is very intuitive to people's feelings. He can tell when you aren't feeling well or sad and is always there to give a hug (or a blanket :)) and  tell you it's okay. He is a really special little guy and we love him!

Charlotte: Charlie is quite the firecracker! She gets into EVERYTHING. I think it's her mission in life right now to make as big of a mess as possible! Plus, she has just learned to climb and I have found her in some pretty funny situations because of it. She is also my little cuddle bug! I have always wished I would have a cuddly baby and I finally have one! Her favorite thing to do is cuddle up with you and read a book, or cuddle up with Daddy and watch Dora on his IPhone. She has also started giving the SWEETEST hugs complete with rubbing the back of your head. 

So that is about all that is going on with us. Here are some pics of them in their Christmas outfits!