Merry Christmas Everyone!

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So since I am WAY to unorganized to actually get this sent out to people in a timely manner, I'm posting it here on my blog instead! That's not cheating right?! 2013 has been a crazy year, from a lot of lows (including, but not limited to, the crash of our beloved little civic) to the best high of all; a healthy pregnancy. We are so grateful for everything that we have been through, and the love our Heavenly Father has shown our family. What more can you ask for when you have that? Hope that everyone else had a great year, and we wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

Love,
The Cluff's

Keep on Swimming

It's been a while since I have written, so here is an update on what we have been up to.

Ayden: Started his first day of 1st grade this week! It was so strange dropping him off and not picking him up 2 hours later. I had bad feeling the whole time that I missed the memo and it was only a half day or something. But all was well, and he was all smiles when we picked him up. His favorite part of the day is eating in the cafeteria and recess, obviously :)

Charlie: Misses her brother to death and cries every time we drop him off. But it has been so fun actually getting to spend time one on one with her. Ayden's kindergarten schedule was so hectic, it is nice to just be at home together and relax a little! She is such a little spitfire and has the funniest things to say. Her current method of embarrassing me is by yelling at the grocery store, asking who people are. She points at someone nearby, yells "who is that" and "are they your friend", and continues until I give her some sort of answer. It is pretty embarrassing when you are trapped in a line and she does this over and over again! But she is my sweet little girl and has her mommy and daddy wrapped around her finger.

Brian: Is applying for Pharmacy Schools! It will be months before we find anything out, but yay! Right now he is still taking classes, which takes up most of his time. Free time is usually spent working on the house.

Marie: Is STILL not pregnant. I thought I would get that out there since I seem to be on pregnancy watch. It has been a pretty difficult year for me and sometimes it feels like I have to take things day by day. I never would have thought that pregnancy loss and infertility would be something I'd have to deal with. It is hard to have the building of our family be such a stressful and painful experience, but I know that the outcome is worth it. I do feel a little better now that my first due date has passed. I had feared and worried about that day, and now that it is over it feels like I am better able to move on. My second due date isn't until October, so I guess that is my next hurdle. Other than baby blues, life is still pretty good. I am loving my family, working on the house, and going to visit friends and family.

Heart Broken

I have put off writing about this partly because I haven't had the strength and partly because words cannot express how I feel. Last week I had another miscarriage, I was about 8 weeks again.

My first was on Thanksgiving last year. The pregnancy was a total surprise and we found out on Halloween! After the initial shock, we were SO excited. We tried to get pregnant with Charlie for almost a year and I was so glad I wouldn't have to go through that again. Three weeks later, I started cramping. I thought it was just normal pregnancy pains until I began bleeding. I immediately panicked and was told to rush to the emergency room. The did an ultrasound but weren't able to find a heartbeat. They diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and said there was about a 50/50 chance that the baby would survive. After a few incredibly stressful and LONG days, I ended up back in the ER where they confirmed that the baby was gone. I left the hospital completely devastated. There is no way to describe the pain that I felt, you really can only appreciate how much it hurts if you have been through it. It is amazing the amount of love, hopes, and dreams that you have for your child the minute you see those two lines. The weeks after were the hardest I have ever experienced. Every part of me was exhausted, and some days all I wanted to do was to stay in bed. I felt so many emotions; guilt, pain (physically and emotionally), anger, resentment, and sadness. But as painful as it was, I knew I wanted to try again. I had a lot of hope that things would be okay and this was just a painful bump in the road to completing our family.

It only took 3 months before I was able to see those 2 pink lines again. I was thrilled, but terrified at the same time. Every time I went to the bathroom or felt any kind of pain was terrifying. I had nightmares that I was miscarrying and would wake up running to the bathroom to make sure everything was okay. I no longer was naive enough to think that a positive test meant a healthy baby, but a part of me wanted to believe that I wouldn't have another one. I had a miscarriage and that was my rough patch on the way to having a healthy baby. When I saw the blood this time, I knew. I didn't want or need to go to the hospital because I knew it was happening again, but because of a series of complicated events I ended up having to go. I HATE the ER! Because I was under 20 weeks, I wasn't allowed in the maternity ward and had to wait it out in the ER. While I know that there is nothing they can really do for a miscarriage, having to bleed and cramp in a waiting room for 8 hours is agony. I have learned that they place miscarriages right up there with nose bleeds and the flu in importance at the ER. Leaving the hospital for the second time with no baby was the lowest I have ever felt. It took a good 10-20 minutes of sobbing in the car before I could compose myself enough to drive home.

The second time around has been really painful. I feel a lot of anger and hopelessness this time. I don't know how or when I will have the courage to try again, but the thought really scares me. I wanted to write this out because going through this felt so lonely. It felt like no one understood the pain I was going through and I had no one to talk to. Miscarriage seems to be such a taboo subject that so many women have to go through alone. Talking about it is painful and I understand why most women don't want to talk about it. I just hope that if someone else has to go through this they know that they are not alone.

Ayden

Ayden. He is my sweet heart. He was my easy baby, energetic toddler, and now my super sweet boy. There is something so special about him, I have always seen it. He is super sensitive to people's feelings, and can pick up on moods easily. He can tell when we are sad, or not feeling well and does his best to comfort everyone. When I was pregnant with Charlie and super sick, he would sneak into the bathroom and rub my back. If daddy is picking on me, Ayden sticks up for me and says "hey, be nice to my Mommy (or Daddy, depending on who is being a bully at the time)!" While I was sick this week and couldn't get out of bed he came in my room, rubbed my shoulder, and said "Mom, now I don't want you to get up but Charlie has been hitting me. I just thought you should know". I just can't think of a better word to describe Ayden other than sweet.

While he is a sweetheart, he is still a 5 year old and can act like it. Charlie and Ayden seem to be each others best friend and arch nemesis simultaneously. They fight like crazy! Charlie is sassy and bossy, while Ayden is laid back but protective of his things. Charlie knows this, and instigates most of the fights by swiping one of Ayden's prized toys. She knows what will happen and loves the attention she gets from it. Sometimes it is funny to sit back and watch her little plan play out, however for the most part it is just exhausting playing referee all day. They do occasionally play together, and those moments are gold. I love seeing them play together! They are so sweet and it is getting fun to watch as Charlie gets older and is able to actually play with him. I will never forget the first day I saw Ayden play with Charlie. I know it seems a strange thing to remember, but Ayden wanted NOTHING to do with Charlie for so long. He wouldn't go near her for months. Then one day I came in and Ayden was waving Buzz and Woody around Charlie's face and mumbling the characters voices as he played. He had Woody's little hat on Charlie's head, and I about died laughing. It was so cute, and I so looked forward to the day when they would become friends. Although they fight (a lot) I can see the love and protectiveness that he feels for his sister.

Ayden is doing so well in school. It is amazing how much he is learning in just a few hours of school every day. Although the drive is long, and worst of all cuts into (and has pretty much diminished) Charlie's nap time, it is completely worth it. He LOVES going to school. I feel so good about the decision to switch schools. I can tell he is getting a much better education, in a much better environment than where he was at. It has made me realize that I need to trust my instincts more, even if it may not totally make sense or be the easiest way. His teacher, Ms. Montes, is such a sweet, positive lady and has made Ayden feel so special in her class. The teachers there are amazing, and go above and beyond to put on cute shows and work on fun projects with the kids. He is starting to read now, and it is an amazing thing to watch. My mom got him an on-line reading program that teaches kids to read, and it has been a huge help. He loves it, and has been learning words so fast!

Ayden is getting SO tall. I just bought him a batch of pants the next size up a few months ago, and they are already too short for him. When we went to Disneyland at the end of September he was 42", because he was just tall enough to ride some new rides. Brian and I measured him the other day and he is 44.5"! He grew two and a half inches in just a few months! I am having a really hard time finding pants that are long enough and fit him in the waist. He is growing WAY too fast!

Well, that's my update on Ayden. He is happy, funny, sweet, smart, emotional, adventurous, and growing like a weed! I love that boy so much!

Charlie

Wow! It has been a LONG time since I have updated. I hope to get several posts done in the next few weeks. I so wish I were better at writing here, since it is such a fun way to document our family life!

I'd like to start with a story, I want to record this story to use as blackmail, stories to tell her future boyfriends, and to laugh at when I am older. Today was the first time, in longer than I care to admit, that I have been to the gym. They have a daycare there that I take the kids cause lets face it, I would never go otherwise (up to 2 hours of freedom is an excellent incentive to workout). I go to pick them up and tell Charlie to get her shoes. As she walks away I see it, poop smeared all up her back. My stomach drops and I follow her in to survey the damage. It was bad. She had apparently been bored because she decided to smear it EVERYWHERE! It was awful, I started grabbing wipes and cleaning up as much and as fast as I could, while telling the employees what had happened so they could grab some cleaner. Let me tell you, they looked thrilled. It was awful, and what makes this story REALLY sad is that this isn't her first offense at this place. I'm pretty sure they have her picture up somewhere warning employees when we come. I'm sure someday I will read this and laugh. Today is not that day.

Charlie.... oh what can I say about Charlie!? She is such a crazy little beast. Always getting into stuff and causing trouble. Girlfriend can't be left a lone for a MINUTE! It's probably hard to believe, since the only facial expression she gives anyone outside of the house is a scowl, but she is the funniest kid. Ayden didn't talk for so long, and it takes me off guard to hear some of the things she say's (she is just so tiny). Her most popular sayings are:

• I'm scared!
• I'm so pretty!
• No! or NUH UH!
• fine... I'm leaving! As she walks away with her arms crossed
• stop it Ayden!

There are so many more, but those especially come to mind. She is talking so much and so well, and has this adorable sweet, soft little voice. She loves princesses, dancing, singing, babies, coloring, doing her hair, dressing up, and putting on mommies lipstick. She is crazy stubborn, and we totally cave to her even though we know it's bad! She knows how to wrap anyone around finger, and is just too cute to resist. Plus, if you say no she gives you the stink eye and puts her hands on her hips. It's just too funny, so you end up giving in. Heaven help us when she is a teenager! She is my sweet little pipsqueak and I love this little girl to pieces. Nothing on the planet is better than little Charlie hugs, kisses, and snuggles.