Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Keep on Swimming

It's been a while since I have written, so here is an update on what we have been up to.

Ayden: Started his first day of 1st grade this week! It was so strange dropping him off and not picking him up 2 hours later. I had bad feeling the whole time that I missed the memo and it was only a half day or something. But all was well, and he was all smiles when we picked him up. His favorite part of the day is eating in the cafeteria and recess, obviously :)

Charlie: Misses her brother to death and cries every time we drop him off. But it has been so fun actually getting to spend time one on one with her. Ayden's kindergarten schedule was so hectic, it is nice to just be at home together and relax a little! She is such a little spitfire and has the funniest things to say. Her current method of embarrassing me is by yelling at the grocery store, asking who people are. She points at someone nearby, yells "who is that" and "are they your friend", and continues until I give her some sort of answer. It is pretty embarrassing when you are trapped in a line and she does this over and over again! But she is my sweet little girl and has her mommy and daddy wrapped around her finger.

Brian: Is applying for Pharmacy Schools! It will be months before we find anything out, but yay! Right now he is still taking classes, which takes up most of his time. Free time is usually spent working on the house.

Marie: Is STILL not pregnant. I thought I would get that out there since I seem to be on pregnancy watch. It has been a pretty difficult year for me and sometimes it feels like I have to take things day by day. I never would have thought that pregnancy loss and infertility would be something I'd have to deal with. It is hard to have the building of our family be such a stressful and painful experience, but I know that the outcome is worth it. I do feel a little better now that my first due date has passed. I had feared and worried about that day, and now that it is over it feels like I am better able to move on. My second due date isn't until October, so I guess that is my next hurdle. Other than baby blues, life is still pretty good. I am loving my family, working on the house, and going to visit friends and family.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Heart Broken

I have put off writing about this partly because I haven't had the strength and partly because words cannot express how I feel. Last week I had another miscarriage, I was about 8 weeks again.

My first was on Thanksgiving last year. The pregnancy was a total surprise and we found out on Halloween! After the initial shock, we were SO excited. We tried to get pregnant with Charlie for almost a year and I was so glad I wouldn't have to go through that again. Three weeks later, I started cramping. I thought it was just normal pregnancy pains until I began bleeding. I immediately panicked and was told to rush to the emergency room. The did an ultrasound but weren't able to find a heartbeat. They diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and said there was about a 50/50 chance that the baby would survive. After a few incredibly stressful and LONG days, I ended up back in the ER where they confirmed that the baby was gone. I left the hospital completely devastated. There is no way to describe the pain that I felt, you really can only appreciate how much it hurts if you have been through it. It is amazing the amount of love, hopes, and dreams that you have for your child the minute you see those two lines. The weeks after were the hardest I have ever experienced. Every part of me was exhausted, and some days all I wanted to do was to stay in bed. I felt so many emotions; guilt, pain (physically and emotionally), anger, resentment, and sadness. But as painful as it was, I knew I wanted to try again. I had a lot of hope that things would be okay and this was just a painful bump in the road to completing our family.

It only took 3 months before I was able to see those 2 pink lines again. I was thrilled, but terrified at the same time. Every time I went to the bathroom or felt any kind of pain was terrifying. I had nightmares that I was miscarrying and would wake up running to the bathroom to make sure everything was okay. I no longer was naive enough to think that a positive test meant a healthy baby, but a part of me wanted to believe that I wouldn't have another one. I had a miscarriage and that was my rough patch on the way to having a healthy baby. When I saw the blood this time, I knew. I didn't want or need to go to the hospital because I knew it was happening again, but because of a series of complicated events I ended up having to go. I HATE the ER! Because I was under 20 weeks, I wasn't allowed in the maternity ward and had to wait it out in the ER. While I know that there is nothing they can really do for a miscarriage, having to bleed and cramp in a waiting room for 8 hours is agony. I have learned that they place miscarriages right up there with nose bleeds and the flu in importance at the ER. Leaving the hospital for the second time with no baby was the lowest I have ever felt. It took a good 10-20 minutes of sobbing in the car before I could compose myself enough to drive home.

The second time around has been really painful. I feel a lot of anger and hopelessness this time. I don't know how or when I will have the courage to try again, but the thought really scares me. I wanted to write this out because going through this felt so lonely. It felt like no one understood the pain I was going through and I had no one to talk to. Miscarriage seems to be such a taboo subject that so many women have to go through alone. Talking about it is painful and I understand why most women don't want to talk about it. I just hope that if someone else has to go through this they know that they are not alone.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Ayden


Ayden. He is my sweet heart. He was my easy baby, energetic toddler, and now my super sweet boy. There is something so special about him, I have always seen it. He is super sensitive to people's feelings, and can pick up on moods easily. He can tell when we are sad, or not feeling well and does his best to comfort everyone. When I was pregnant with Charlie and super sick, he would sneak into the bathroom and rub my back. If daddy is picking on me, Ayden sticks up for me and says "hey, be nice to my Mommy (or Daddy, depending on who is being a bully at the time)!" While I was sick this week and couldn't get out of bed he came in my room, rubbed my shoulder, and said "Mom, now I don't want you to get up but Charlie has been hitting me. I just thought you should know". I just can't think of a better word to describe Ayden other than sweet.

While he is a sweetheart, he is still a 5 year old and can act like it. Charlie and Ayden seem to be each others best friend and arch nemesis simultaneously. They fight like crazy! Charlie is sassy and bossy, while Ayden is laid back but protective of his things. Charlie knows this, and instigates most of the fights by swiping one of Ayden's prized toys. She knows what will happen and loves the attention she gets from it. Sometimes it is funny to sit back and watch her little plan play out, however for the most part it is just exhausting playing referee all day. They do occasionally play together, and those moments are gold. I love seeing them play together! They are so sweet and it is getting fun to watch as Charlie gets older and is able to actually play with him. I will never forget the first day I saw Ayden play with Charlie. I know it seems a strange thing to remember, but Ayden wanted NOTHING to do with Charlie for so long. He wouldn't go near her for months. Then one day I came in and Ayden was waving Buzz and Woody around Charlie's face and mumbling the characters voices as he played. He had Woody's little hat on Charlie's head, and I about died laughing. It was so cute, and I so looked forward to the day when they would become friends. Although they fight (a lot) I can see the love and protectiveness that he feels for his sister.

Ayden is doing so well in school. It is amazing how much he is learning in just a few hours of school every day. Although the drive is long, and worst of all cuts into (and has pretty much diminished) Charlie's nap time, it is completely worth it. He LOVES going to school. I feel so good about the decision to switch schools. I can tell he is getting a much better education, in a much better environment than where he was at. It has made me realize that I need to trust my instincts more, even if it may not totally make sense or be the easiest way. His teacher, Ms. Montes, is such a sweet, positive lady and has made Ayden feel so special in her class. The teachers there are amazing, and go above and beyond to put on cute shows and work on fun projects with the kids. He is starting to read now, and it is an amazing thing to watch. My mom got him an on-line reading program that teaches kids to read, and it has been a huge help. He loves it, and has been learning words so fast!

Ayden is getting SO tall. I just bought him a batch of pants the next size up a few months ago, and they are already too short for him. When we went to Disneyland at the end of September he was 42", because he was just tall enough to ride some new rides. Brian and I measured him the other day and he is 44.5"! He grew two and a half inches in just a few months! I am having a really hard time finding pants that are long enough and fit him in the waist. He is growing WAY too fast!


Well, that's my update on Ayden. He is happy, funny, sweet, smart, emotional, adventurous, and growing like a weed! I love that boy so much!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Charlie




Wow! It has been a LONG time since I have updated. I hope to get several posts done in the next few weeks. I so wish I were better at writing here, since it is such a fun way to document our family life!

I'd like to start with a story, I want to record this story to use as blackmail, stories to tell her future boyfriends, and to laugh at when I am older. Today was the first time, in longer than I care to admit, that I have been to the gym. They have a daycare there that I take the kids cause lets face it, I would never go otherwise (up to 2 hours of freedom is an excellent incentive to workout). I go to pick them up and tell Charlie to get her shoes. As she walks away I see it, poop smeared all up her back. My stomach drops and I follow her in to survey the damage. It was bad. She had apparently been bored because she decided to smear it EVERYWHERE! It was awful, I started grabbing wipes and cleaning up as much and as fast as I could, while telling the employees what had happened so they could grab some cleaner. Let me tell you, they looked thrilled. It was awful, and what makes this story REALLY sad is that this isn't her first offense at this place. I'm pretty sure they have her picture up somewhere warning employees when we come. I'm sure someday I will read this and laugh. Today is not that day.

Charlie.... oh what can I say about Charlie!? She is such a crazy little beast. Always getting into stuff and causing trouble. Girlfriend can't be left a lone for a MINUTE! It's probably hard to believe, since the only facial expression she gives anyone outside of the house is a scowl, but she is the funniest kid. Ayden didn't talk for so long, and it takes me off guard to hear some of the things she say's (she is just so tiny). Her most popular sayings are:
  • I'm scared!
  • I'm so pretty!
  • No! or NUH UH!
  • fine... I'm leaving! As she walks away with her arms crossed
  • stop it Ayden!
There are so many more, but those especially come to mind. She is talking so much and so well, and has this adorable sweet, soft little voice. She loves princesses, dancing, singing, babies, coloring, doing her hair, dressing up, and putting on mommies lipstick. She is crazy stubborn, and we totally cave to her even though we know it's bad! She knows how to wrap anyone around finger, and is just too cute to resist. Plus, if you say no she gives you the stink eye and puts her hands on her hips. It's just too funny, so you end up giving in. Heaven help us when she is a teenager! She is my sweet little pipsqueak and I love this little girl to pieces. Nothing on the planet is better than little Charlie hugs, kisses, and snuggles.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Back to School


My little boy is growing up. Is it wrong that he just started full day kindergarten, but I still see him as the little bowlegged toddler who's mini backpack was too big for him? After a pretty rough first week Ayden finally seems to be getting used to his new schedule. The first few days of school Ayden came home exhausted, sad, and completely overwhelmed. Two day's in a row he sobbed on the way home, saying that no one wanted to play with him and that no one wanted to be his friend. It was pretty heartbreaking, and I was ready to pull him out of school right then! As time has passed he's had better days. It's still been tough for him to get used to the schedule and extra discipline in kindergarten, but I think he is doing much better. As for Charlie and I, we are loving our time alone together. It is so strange to just have one kid for a big chunk of the day. I cannot believe how easy taking care of one kid is! It was getting super frustrating the last part of summer with the constant fighting, and things seem to be much more peaceful around here. It's also been fun to be able to hang out one on one with Charlie, something I haven't really ever been able to do. I love both of these kids so much and am loving my life right now. Things are going really, really good!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Talk Freak!


I was asked to give a talk at church for this morning. The last time I gave a talk in church was in the single's ward. It was crazy this time. Since having kids I have become a hormonal freak! I had the hardest time getting through this talk without crying, I sounded like a quivering crazy person! Anyways I am so glad that it's over but for journaling purposes I wanted to keep a copy of my talk.
I am SO glad that I get to be a mommy to these two kids, they are the greatest! I'd like to wish all the mother's and mother's at heart a happy Mother's Day! 

My talk today is based off of Sister Cheryl Esplin’s talk in the current Ensign, “Teaching Our Children to Understand”. I think that the call we have to teach children is focused more towards parents with their own children, but is just as important a call for everyone. Whether our children are grown, or it’s our nieces and nephews, or even the children in our ward family all of us are given a specific call to teach children. It is brought up several times throughout the scriptures and in Doctrine and Covenants ch. 68 vs. 28 Joseph Smith received the  revelation, “and they shall also teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the lord.”
Sister Esplin explains, “This divine privilege of raising our children is a much greater responsibility than we can do alone, without the Lord’s help. He know exactly what our children need to know, what they need to do, and what they need to be to come back into His presence. He gives mothers and fathers specific instruction and guidelines through the scriptures, His prophets, and the Holy Ghost.” I think that prophets and even Christ himself saw the great importance of children. They could see how important teaching children about Heavenly Father, our beliefs, and how to live righteously is. Christ even made it a point during his life to set an example and teach how important children are. In Matthew ch. 19 vs. 13-15 he say’s, “then there were brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray; and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for such is the kingdom of heaven. And he laid his hands on them, and departed thence.”
So now that we know how important it is to teach them and that we are commanded to do so, I wanna talk about ways that we can teach our children. Sister Esplin advises that “sometimes the most powerful ways to teach our children to understand a doctrine is to teach in the context of what they are experiencing right at that moment. These moments are spontaneous and unplanned and happen in the normal flow of family life. They come and go quickly, so we need to be alert and recognize a teaching moment.” For example I know something that is a regular occurrence at our house is a problem with sharing and taking a toy that the other one is playing with. While dealing with this problem we can also use it as a teaching opportunity; of showing love for one another, or being happy with the toys that WE have and not coveting someone else things, by not taking things that aren’t yours. Even though these are very basic and watered down versions of commandments, by teaching your children in a way that they understand and in context to their lives they will be more able and prepared to live by them as they grow.

Since it’s Mothers Day I would like to steer the rest of the talk to Mothers. I remember the day and time leading up to when our first child was born. I remember planning on how I wanted the nursery to look, how adorable he would be, and the hardest decision I could think of was which cute outfit I would bring to the hospital for him to wear. Sometimes I miss how blissfully unaware we were back then. The day we had our children will always be the most special and spiritual time of our lives. The veil was so thin that day and we were completely aware of what a miracle it was that WE were placed in charge of this tiny baby. Later came the terrifying realization that WE were actually supposed to be an example and teach this child! I felt (and still feel) sometimes totally inadequate for the job. We have such good intentions and too often (at least I know for me) life gets in the way. Distractions like TV and the Internet, trying to keep up with your house and the constant mess your children make, going out, and work. I had always felt like I was barely keeping my head above water until I heard a story. My friend had talked about a family on her blog that she knew who’s infant daughter was waiting for a transplant. Ani Taylor wrote a post called “Perspective” on her blog only a week before her precious daughter passed away.
“The old me thought I was tired and stressed out. The old me was unsatisfied with my clothes, my weight, and my ugly carpet. The old me dreaded hearing the babies cry over the monitor, too early in the morning. The old me was bored watching cartoons, and folding laundry. The old me hated making breakfast, and pouring endless sippy’s full of milk everyday. The old me dreaded running errands with two kids to get in and out of car seats and into shopping carts. The old me did not think it was a big deal to spend a Saturday at the beach, or paddle boating around the lake. The old me was tired and a grump from walking up the hill to our house from the lake. The old me couldn’t wait until nap time, when I could have some time for myself. The old me hated doing dishes, and checking the mail. The old me rushed bedtime and skipped pages in bedtime stories. The old me sang lullaby’s quickly, and was reluctant to sing “just one more”
What was the old me thinking?!
My heart is literally aching right now to have my old life back, but with my new perspective. What would I give to have my whole family home on a rainy Sunday morning, making breakfast, and delivering chocolate milk on a fancy platter to my little Kate. I want to forget about the dirty dishes, and get down on the floor and play. I would be thankful for that cheap carpet, because it beats none at all. I dream of the day I get to wake up in bed and hear BOTH girls waking me up early in the morning. I will make them whatever they want for breakfast, and turn the music up load and dance while I make their pancakes(because I know that is what Kate would want). I will get them dressed and spend time gently combing and doing their hair, and breathing them in. I won’t rush them. What is the rush about anyways? I’ll load them in their car seats, and give kisses while I buckle them in. I’ll be happily listening to Disney songs as we drive to Target, or McDonalds, or the park. I’ll chase them, and tickle them, and push them on the swings. We will spend our evenings playing outside, and cooking dinner together in the kitchen. Bath time will be long and drawn out, just like it should be. Bedtime will have lots of cuddling, and a few bedtime stories read slowly while doing the appropriate voices for Papa bear, Mama bear, Baby bear and Goldilocks. Matt and I will fall into bed exhausted together, and thank Heavenly for this new perspective on life and what is truly important and ask that we might always be able to remember.
My entire perspective on my role as a Mother changed when I read this. Instead of seeing myself on the sidelines just watching and caring over them I realized that I need to throw myself into them and their little worlds. It is something that I struggle with and am constantly trying to work on. I have realized that the best way to teach my children is by immersing my self in their lives. Because that is when the little moments to teach them and be an example to them happen. By playing with them and being conscious in their lives I can teach them in a way that they will remember and comprehend.

I would like to take this opportunity to bear my testimony. I’m not brave enough to do it very often but I want everyone to know that I have a strong testimony of this church. I am so thankful for the blessings that I have in my life. I’m thankful for my husband and my sweet children. I’m thankful for the responsibility that I have to teach my kids and for the opportunity to continually grow and learn and become better at it. I’m thankful for my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. I’m so thankful for the sacrifice that he made so that we could be reunited as a family some day. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Ayden and Charlie

We were going to the store today and I figured since their hair was combed and they were dressed (these day's anything more than pajama's is photo shoot worthy!) I should probably get some quick pictures of them. They are changing and growing up so fast I think I need to do updates on these guy's more often.

Ayden
  • catch phrases are; "I'm busy", Yes Sir!", "Oh boy", "What the!", "Mom! Charlie did.....!"
  •  LOVES legos. Is constantly making lego creations.
  • Wants to do everything and go everywhere with us. Never wants to be left out of the action.
  • Is a total sweetheart. Is is so sweet with his sister and taking care of her. He NEVER turns down hugs, kisses (except for daddy because "he has prickly thorns" on his face), and cuddles.
  • Let me preface this by saying I am NOT pregnant :) He has been saying that he wants a new little baby (either a brother or a sister will suffice) for while now. Don't know where that came from but I guess we better get going on that one!
  • Has been asking more questions about.... um...."life" lately. I have tried my best to explain and talk to him about a few different issues that have come up. After a few awkward conversations and confused, furrowed eyebrows from Ayden, I think I did okay!

Charlotte


  •  Is FULL OF ENERGY! This girl just go, go , go's ALL day!
  • Won't keep anything in her hair (the hair clip above was removed seconds after these pictures were taken) so her hair often resembles a rats nest.
  • Loves getting her toenails painted and often comes up to me with a bottle of nail polish.
  • Has an awesome 3 step greeting routine; hug, kiss, headbutt.
  • Stayed all by herself for the first time in nursery, hurray!
  • Can identify several part's of her body, including her butt :)
  • LOVES baby dolls and stuffed animals. Loves to give them big hugs and carry them around everywhere. We went to the fair this week and went to the petting zoo. Charlie went up to every goat and animal in there and gave them big hugs.